Imagine having a passion. In my case, I have plenty – but no other compares to the elation that dancing on stage provides for me. …Imagine, for many years, being continuously told to be ‘the best [they’ve] ever seen’ at this passion. Number ‘one’ at your talent… That you’re sure to experience immense success by everyone who has ever seen it, even by the most discerning.
Then, imagine being told to be so good at what you do, and who you are, to be requested to perform for a taping for a popular program to be aired on national television in front of millions of people.
…On your birthday.
This is what happened to me. It was possibly the most immense opportunity of my entire life, and I botched it. Now, my impending humiliation (and possibly, doom) will be aired for all to see in the future.
Even as an entertainer, I am a shy person. Deathly shy. I’ve always been a shy person. This was actually part of the main premise of my acceptance on the show. I/They had intended to show that even as I am normally perceived to be the, ‘quiet, soft-spoken, nerdy’-type, and although I don’t normally fit the ‘stereotype’ of an entertainer, I can be, and am, a stellar, energetic entertainer when I hit the stage. Many took notice of my ‘Nerd-to-Belly Dancer,’ routine, and had urged me to ‘play-it-up’ for the show. It was to be an act – one that went horribly wrong.
…And at the worst, possible moment, my overwhelming trepidation manifested itself in the worst way possible. I clammed up. I got into ‘automatic protective shell’-mode at the last minute, became defensive, feigned confidence, and ended up making myself to look utterly foolish.
Everything I had intended to say went unsaid. I was confused. I was ill-prepared, due to being requested a week and a half prior. I did not follow instructions. I did nearly everything wrong, save for the actual performance, perhaps…but that didn’t matter, because my actions prior could have saved me a great deal of embarrassment had I actually stuck to my original plan and offerred an explanation beforehand.
I cannot help but bombard myself with a series of niggling, ‘What-if?’s. What if I had explained that I was not doing ‘Belly Dancing,’ but my Chutney-Fusion Belly Dancing, for example? What if I had my props and had performed my sword-dancing…or black light show, instead? I had a set plan of action in mind, but I did not even follow that to completion.
It really does seem as though, considering the majority populace’s linear way of thinking, no one truly comprehends the idiosyncratic dichotomy of the ‘Shy Entertainer,’ the “Indian-descent Jamaican,’ or even the, ‘Belly Dancing Virgin.’ I was hoping to quell a lot of misconceptions with my appearance. I was hoping to make many proud. I disappointed myself, yes, but to see the disappointment in those who believed in me much more than even I did….kills me inexplicably.
This all occurred on my birthday. It will be the most unforgettable birthday to be sure.
I don’t promote this blog. I’ve only shown it to a handful of people. Tending to have a preference for rationalism, I am not particularly adept at expressing my innermost feelings, and for the most part, attempt to refrain from doing so. But I certainly wish I could use this post to express how sorry I am to have disappointed them.
I could have done so much better with the once-in-a lifetime opportunity that was in the palm of my hand.